L.O.V.E and Y.O.U

I want to write a poem about a word, maybe two,

The first word would be love and the second you.

Together they form a thought,

But separate they both complete my heart.

Love such a funny idea,

Giving trust, and laying aside fear.

Yeah it’s a word so many work up the courage to say,

Most the time it’s an imitation they give away.

Lets spell love out, L,

Stands for lasting anything else is hell,

Moving on to the endless O,

Oneness is what two should know.

Then the awkward shaped V.

It’s being vulnerable for your one to see.

At the end we have the E.

Endless is it’s only meaning.

It goes far beyond the you and me.

No force can stop it’s intervening.

You is a word I cannot spell,

I try, but I’ve lost my right too.

To put it so close to love is hell.

Because my love continuous seeks you,

But they are separate and alone.

Love waits for you to come back home.

Timed Focused

Timed Focused

06/01/2020

Life is a vacant space,

Go ahead and focus on the past,

Soon the future you will erase.

The present is all that truly lasts.

Ceiling

Ceiling

06/03/2020

The black ceiling calls,

The silence aborbs all.

The thoughts are just dying,

But that black ceiling is memorizing.

In it you see a future you desire,

Now all burned up in greed’s fire.

There’s even smiles of the past,

But now they aren’t around, they didn’t last.

The gray ceiling begins to bloom,

This bed begins to feel like a tomb.

“You’re alone,” your mind repeats,

It’s reconfirmed as your heart alone beats.

The gray isn’t the black,

But doesn’t mean it stops you from wanting to go back.

How do you step forwards from this place?

So much is lost. So much more to face.

But then the white ceiling arrives.

Night is over. You survived.

Being alone can be, being strong.

The past may be full of hurts and wrongs.

But the present, it is a gift.

Time to heal and the wrongs to lift.

No matter how long the black,

Or the gray that always comes back.

The white will always come with the sun.

A reminder the despair hasn’t won.

 

Your Heart

Your Heart

06/16/2020

Touch my chest, in it you’ll find a rhythm that moves to you,

It slows when you meet my eyes, and stops when you leave.

It thomps and hurts with an unending pain with what I put you through.

But it never stops completely because in us it still believes.

Though it’s too weak to move my legs, and I just sit.

Though It’s not strong enough to pull my eyes away from the end of the street,

It is still too stubborn to not hope in you. Too focused to quit.

It beats, and it beats never letting me stop wishing for a chance to meet.

Touch my chest. Feel it. It is yours. It is your heart. 

Near, together, embraced, close, held, or apart.

My Eyes

My Eyes

07/08/2020

 

My eye’s are bluest when I cry,

They are the darkest when I lie.

If you want to see them shine,

Just say you want to be mine.

My eye’s have strayed so much from you,

It’s undone our marriage, it’s true.

Now no one else can they view.

Can’t be another girl, it’s you.

I wish at times they were blind,

But no rest from your image I’d find.

You are etched in my mind.

An angel of love and light

I could never forget, try as I might.

So if you see my eye’s tonight.

They glow their bluest blue,

Because they ever search for you.

Covering Void

Is it funny how something broken stops feeling? – The Broken

The only emotions I contain or ever seem to feel are rage and bitterness. I cry out that life isn’t fair or people are the problem. Everyone else needs to grow up and live their lives. I’m an angry child too proud to back down when I know I’m wrong. What happened to me?

I want to blame everyone who wronged me in ways only I can formulate an understanding of. To yell at God, who made me such a low confidence, unfortunate loser. It’s not my fault. I’m the victim… in truth I’m the asshole. I’m the one who continues to sabotage relationships. Push away family. Shut myself off from the outside world. Embrace the void and pray it ends.

I am my own worst enemy. The sad part is I know it, yet I cannot beat myself. I am always one step ahead. My lofty ideas of sacrifice and compassion will forever be shrouded by pride and selfishness.

Since I was young I’ve raced towards becoming the man I am while spouting ideals that were contrary to the notion. I still believe I can be a good man, but I don’t know what catalyst I need to change. To stop the void from spreading. Darkness covers me, yet I still cling to the dimming light. It is dying though.

No Hero

When I was young, I would never have thought I’d be who I am today. In fact, my child self would probably tell me to be happy. Would probably go out of his way to try to make my day better. He did that for a lot of people. Sometimes selflessly other times hoping the girl would like him or the person would be his friend. He would have willing taking on the worlds suffering, because he cared.

But now there is me. That child has grown into a monster. Full of venom and rage. I always thought I’d be a hero, but I’m much closer to a villain, but society makes it so easy does it not? Everyone is so selfish and just pieces of shit. I look at people and they aren’t worth saving. They treat each other like crap and use whatever excuse is relevant at the time to do so.

I just lied.  Stopped typing to lie to someone. Didn’t think  twice. Just did it. Why? I wouldn’t have when I was younger or I would have felt a massive guilt about it. Now it is so easy and those pieces of shit I hate; I am one of them. As a kid I saw the villains and I believed they could be good. That good was greater than evil.

When we are born we are empty. Neither good nor evil. So why am I so filled with evil. I want to blame the world, but I’m not even part of this world any longer. None of it belongs to me. I belong to none of it. In fact it may be my enemy, whether I’m the hero or the villain is yet to be seen, but years ago a kid would have believed I could be the hero.

Reject

I heard something in a show. Probably watch too much shows. Actually, I know I do. I’ve spent my life hoping to be like the characters I see on tv. Popular, runny, nerdy, tough, hero, kind, romantic, a million positive characters that I’ve wanted to be, but its such a disappointment to find out I’m me.

But back to what I heard. It is that serial killers or mass murders usually go through a traumatic event, are socially awkward, and feel rejected by this world. I never knew why I felt so sad and under water until I heard that. The words just fit. REJECTED BY THIS WORLD. All I wanted to do is feel like I belonged. To feel part of the crowd.

DISCLAIMER: NOT a serial killer or mass murder. Just a reject.

Yet even when I’d start groups, plan events, or try my damnest; I’d mess it up or fade into the background. I don’t want you to think that its people’s fault its mine. I don’t fit any molds. The bullshit this world gives you about being an individual is a lie. No one wants to be different when different isn’t what everyone else wants. We want to be wanted.

When I type this out I think I’m just being stupid, but that doesn’t change how I feel. I don’t feel like I belong and I don’t want to be here. I’m married. I have a loving family. I have friends. I have people who care about me, but I don’t want to be here. Every day is such a damn burden. It is lonely. IT IS LONELY. ALWAYS.

I feel like I’m underwater; sometimes I get a breath, but it is not enough.

My boss (P. 2)

Buy low; sell high- My Boss

Great advice for stocks, but now I have to take these words of wisdom and touch on what they mean to me. Make it a Karate Kid moment when the words that were obvious hid some hidden truth. My boss was a direct man but I like to think he’d be proud of the deeper wisdom I pulled from his words.

I was an investment. I broke tools and bent parts on tractors trying to do jobs for a man I viewed so highly. He saw something in me despite my knowledge being little and cost being great. He put the time in to watch his investment grow, and then he sold it to the world.

I wasn’t his only one. He knew a diverse portfolio was important. He sent us out in the world to become lawyers, accounts, consultants, and goat herders. Defending, enriching, informing, and nurturing those who come into contact with us. His greatest joy when we visited was discovering how we continued to grow. No longer needing his investing, but now investing in those around us.

I often wonder how I was fortunate enough to come to meet my boss and stay in his employment. I think back to one of the first time I was working for him. He had left to go do something, and I had quickly finished what work I had. I stood a moment in the large three bay garage waiting for him when I saw leaves blow in. Noticing quite a few leaves had already made it in I grabbed a broom and began sweeping. He returned shortly. I looked up from sweeping. To see him smiling at me.

That’s showing initiative.

I didn’t even know what it meant at the time. Now I know it meant everything.

I Disappeared

For all those, as few as you are, that enjoyed or at the very least read my first posts, Thank you.

I stopped writing. Never told you all the reasons why I started. I shared some about someone I loved very much who had passed. It was my dog. Maybe some scoff or think I’m stupid, but he was always there for me. I wasn’t popular and I lacked confidence. I was never invited to parties, and in a crowd I felt alone. Puppy never let me feel alone.

I thought I had years left with him. He was 13, I should have known it was unlikely. His health declined fast. Way too fast. I spent lunches away from work holding him. Hoping he’d make a recovery. In the end, I had to put my best friend down. My felt like it physically ripped in two. Feeling has always been hard for me, but that was enough sorrow for a lifetime.

My dog was my protector. He couldn’t have actually saved me from anything, but if he was sitting with me no one could come near. There was never any doubt that he loved anyone more than me. How could you ever be so lucky to have someone love you that much. 2018 was rough because of that and so much more. So much loss, but I could have taken all the other stuff if I didn’t lose him.

It’s been over a year now. There’s still a hole. I miss you Pup Pup.